Therapists Get Anxious Too

Last November, my sister Serena and I travelled to Toronto to have a sister weekend, and to see Taylor Swift’s “The Era’s Tour”.  I know we were so lucky to get to attend, and I went into the the weekend feeling a lot of excitement and joy, but there was one emotion I didn’t expect to experience: anxiety. 

There have been periods in my life when anxiety has been really present, but in recent years it’s become more fleeting - it comes and goes, lasting maybe an hour or two.  Through my own work in therapy, I’ve learned how to manage it, and honestly, my own anxiety isn’t something I spend a lot of time thinking about anymore. So when anxiety showed up more forcefully than it had in a long time, it really threw me off.

The Unpredictability:

Looking back, it shouldn’t have caught me by surprise. I was in an unfamiliar city, navigating a transit system that I’d never used before, and preparing to attend an event that felt really important to my sister and I.  There was a lot of unfamiliarity in the mix. If you’ve ever worked with me, you’ve probably heard me say that the nervous system does not like the unfamiliar. The ability to predict an outcomes, even if they aren’t ideal, can feel like safety sometimes. This can be part of why people stay in a less than ideal situation, even if they know that a different situation would logically be better. The bad situation that’s been going on is predictable, you know what’s coming, but that new situation? You don’t know what’s coming, and your nervous system isn’t a huge fan of that.

The Emotional Weight:

Growing up, Taylor Swift was one of the only things my sister and I agreed on regularly, and that shared interest was something I treasured then, and still do. I assigned a lot of emotional significance to our weekend together, and so I put a lot of effort into making it a great night. I knew what transit we had to take, knew how early we had to leave, made reservations at a nearby restaurant to eat before the show months in advance, and had a plan for how to get back to our hotel.  Serena and I had talked about it for MONTHS. In hindsight, that planning likely was soothing, it gave some predictability in an otherwise unfamiliar experience.

Let me be clear, the concert was amazing. I am so grateful to have gotten to have these experiences with Serena, but oh man I was anxious once we got to Rogers Place. We arrived early, hoping to find our seats and settle in to enjoy the entire experience.  But what I didn’t expect was endless merch lines and more people than I had been around in YEARS.  The anxiety crashed into me like a wave. 

For me, anxiety shows up largely as a feeling in my stomach and chest. It leaves me feeling stuck, wanting to be alone, and unsure of what to do next. When Serena asked me if I wanted to get in line to buy merch, I laughed and said “No, I’m just going to sit here” (she’s the absolute best, and she waited in line for both of us). There was no way in that moment that I was getting up from the space of my seat to stand in line with literally hundreds of people inches apart from one-another.  

The Way Through:

Instead of standing in line with her, I sat in my seat, focusing on my breathing. Breathing exercises can be hugely helpful in slowing down the physiological response of anxiety, essentially turning down the intensity of the experience.  Sometimes anxiety isn’t logical and going to the body has always helped me manage my experiences with anxiety.

I also spent time texting with a friend about how anxious I felt. Their support and reassurance also helped. Having someone validate your experience can be so powerful, it can turn down the volume on that voice asking "why are you like this?" or "what’s wrong with you for feeling this way?" I was defeintely a little self-critical of myself for feeling anxious during an event I was so excited to be at. Serena was also great, she didn’t bat an eye that I was going to stay in my seat and told me she’d be back soon, but to text if I needed anything.

By the time she returned from the merch lines, I was feeling largely better.  As an aside, the merch lines were long, but they were not as endless as my anxiety led me to believe. Anxiety almost always tells us that things are way worse than they truly are. We went for a walk around the arena, and although regulation was not the intention of the walk, walking and other forms of movement can be really regulating, and it helped my anxiety dissipate further. When the opening act began, I realized I was no longer feeling anxious. It’s hard to say if it was my nervous system picking up on the joy and excitement of people around me, or if the music itself was the final piece of regulation needed, but either way I felt a lot better.

The Takeaway? 

All this to say, therapists are human. We also experience a wide range of emotion, get dysregulated, make mistakes, and sometimes get blindsided by our experiences. Therapists have therapists, might take medication, and can have anxiety too - and that’s okay.  

If anxiety is something that’s been showing up for you lately, I hope that this blog post reminds you that new experiences can be unsettling to our systems. Breathing exercises, movement, connecting with supports, and music can all be helpful and impactful tools. I hope that this post inspires you to think about the things that make you feel good, and to practice those things both when you feel good, and when things don’t feel so good.