Holiday Survival: Boundaries

If you’ve worked with me before, we’ve likely discussed boundaries. The word “boundaries” can feel intimidating, and actually setting boundaries is tough, so I want to acknowledge that challenge up front. Boundary-setting is a skill, and many of us were not taught the importance of having boundaries, let alone how to set them. Whether you’re someone who loves the winter holidays, or you’re someone who finds them difficult, I’ve put together some ways that boundaries may positively impact your holidays.

What Are Boundaries:

Boundaries have been a bit of a buzz word in recent years - and honestly, I’m here for it! But among all the buzz, there can be a lack of clarity as to what boundaries actually are. Boundaries are limitations that we express around what we do and do not accept, or tolerate, in our lives. Think of boundaries as being more similar to doorways than to walls. When we set a boundary we’re communicating an entrance or an exit. For example, if your boundary is “I do not allow people to yell at me”, you’re creating a doorway: they can choose to enter by respecting the boundary and continuing to have access to you, or they can disregard it, and that doorway becomes an exit - they lose access to you.

Boundaries are not one-size-fits all. Different people have different boundaries, and your boundaries may shift with different people in your life. Boundaries with a close friend versus a co-worker versus a complete stranger may differ in some domains, and be the same in others. For example, your personal space may differ with various people in your life, but your boundary about being called names may not.

The key is that once we set a boundary, we have to try to maintain it. If you set a boundary around a certain behaviour, yet it continues to be crossed without consequence, it may convey the message that it is acceptable to cross that boundary.

Finally, boundaries do not only have to be set only after a violation occurs. Boundaries can also be set in advance. If you no longer want to be referred to by a certain nickname, it is reasonable to communicate that to the people in your life who have used that nickname. This proactively communicates your new expectations, and allows the people in your life the opportunity to respect your boundary without having to cross it.

Boundaries Over the Holidays:

Boundaries can help you manage social, professional and family demands. The holidays can come with a lot of pressure to meet a variety of needs - attend various events, participate in holiday celebrations, as well as financial and familial obligations or requests. In my previous blog post, I wrote about assessing your capacity in regards to holiday requests, and boundaries can help you to honour your capacity. Perhaps there are things you have to say no to, or perhaps there are ways to reconfigure your participation, like going to an event for a short time rather than the duration, requesting a traditional friend dinner become a lunch. Boundaries allow you to clearly express your capacity, and protect your time and wellness.
Boundaries can help navigate uncomfortable conversations. Most of us have a relative (or several) who ask intrusive and inappropriate questions: “When are you getting married?”, “When are you going to grow up and pick a career?”, “You’re just in a phase, you’ll change your mind”. Sometimes these questions can be more than intrusive and inappropriate, they can be racist, homophobic, or attack some element of your personality. These questions cause real harm, however sometimes the environment or the person isn’t escapable. It can be helpful to have pre-planned responses or an escape strategy for these type of questions and comments. Strategize in advance about how you’d like to handle the situation if it arises - get clear about your boundaries, practice responses with a friend or therapist, or have an excuse ready to escape if needed. Boundary setting doesn’t just protect you, it can increase your confidence in managing these types of interactions.
Enlist a boundary buddy.
If you’re in a situation where you don't feel confident, or you feel unsafe, it’s even more difficult to set a boundary, or even to think about what the boundary might be. This is where a trusted and supportive boundary buddy can be helpful. Coordinate in advance with this person what you might need from them, what your concerns are, and what boundaries you’d like to set if needed. This person could also help you avoid having to engage with a problematic individual, be ready to change the subject, or have a ready-made reason to get you out of a conversation or space.
Boundaries are opportunities. When you set a boundary, you’re offering the other person an opportunity to reflect on their behaviour. We can’t force other people to reflect on their behaviour, and we can’t force other people to change, but we can provide them with an opportunity to do so. This doesn’t make it easier to set the boundaries, or enforce them, but it can be helpful to remember that the boundary has potential benefit for the other individual. Prioritizing your needs may be difficult, so sometimes it brings a bit of ease to remind yourself that setting and maintaining your boundaries can benefit others.
There is loss in setting and enforcing boundaries. Sometimes when we set and enforce boundaries relationships, traditions and activities shift or come to an end. It’s okay to grieve these endings, even if your boundary setting is what caused the change. There is loss surrounding potentially giving up or changing things that you have historically participated in due to needing new boundaries. As humans we experience duality, we can think or feel multiple ways about one thing - so give yourself the grace to fully experience whatever feelings might arise. Just because setting a boundary may come with an experience of grief does not necessarily mean that you made the “wrong” choice. Your boundaries can be important and valid, and still you can feel sad about it.

While I wish the most cozy and peaceful holiday season for each of you, I know that is not always possible. Please take care of yourselves, and access support as you need it.